She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
