i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Someone came in the potted fern
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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