I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
