You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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