it's not cheating when I paid for it
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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