my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
