Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Come share oat with me in your robe
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
