trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
