Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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