you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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