i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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