The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
