He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
