I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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