I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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