turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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