There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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