My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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