DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
it was like eating out sand paper
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
