My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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