Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
