guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
