shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
