In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
