i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Randomize
