I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
