i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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