She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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