Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
Randomize
