he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
two words...techno handjob
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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