Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
You were trust falling into bushes
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
