Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
