Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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