that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
