she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
