my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
