I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
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