It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Randomize
