New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
