I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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