woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Randomize
