ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.