I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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