It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
