Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I just found puke in my bra..
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
