Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
