Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
