i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
