You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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