I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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