You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
