Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
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