On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
