Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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