why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
