I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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