Moan for me like Helen Keller
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
